Five things that bothered me about the book Zombies
Don’t Cry by Rusty Fischer.
Beware: spoilers. Also, this is the first book
in a series.
Yeah, that won't be happening.
1. Nobody
cares about dead kids
This one’s pretty
awful. Three girls who shared a class with Maddy Swift (our main character)
have died. Their deaths were ruled accidental by the coroner (who’s Maddy’s
father). Apparently, Maddy’s dad doesn’t think it is suspicious or weird that
the girls’ brains are missing. Anyway…
Maddie goes to the
cemetery and is harassed by Bones and Dahlia. They are our villains. Never mind
that for most of the book they barely rise above the level of bullies. Let’s
not get into tiny details here, like how problematic it is that the main
villains aren’t particularly scary; they’re just mean kids. Anyway…
One of the two definitely
super evil villains points out to Maddy that she is the first person to visit
the grave – now with cheap headstone!
– of the third girl who died. The explicitly stated implication here is that no
one cares that this teenage girl is dead. She has parents, but they don’t care.
The rest of the girl’s family presumably also doesn’t care. No one cares.
Preach it, Swedish chef!
Further on in the book,
Chloe (Maddy’s new, also-zombie friend) explains how Dane (their other
zombie-friend) died. Car accident, electricity, blah blah blah. He was pronounced
dead, woke up in the morgue and just walked away. Then we get this little gem:
‘No one ever reported the body missing. His parents already figured he was
dead; no reason to muddy the waters, right?’
Yep, that’s totally a
reaction that people would have. Wait, no, it isn’t. What kind of parallel
universe is this where parents just shrug if their dead son’s body disappears?
Plus, it makes no sense from a logical viewpoint either. It’s not as if nothing
happens because Dane’s parents don’t give a shit about their son’s missing
corpse. What about the coroner? What about the cops? What about the district
attorney? What about the media? There’s no way that a body vanishing from the
morgue wouldn’t be thoroughly investigated one way or another. Not in this book,
though.
2. The
Guide, the Elders and the Sentinels
They might as well not
have been there. Period.
After Maddy turns into
a zombie, a big deal is made about following the rules and about the Sentinels
enforcing them and about how Zerkers (immoral zombies) are the mortal enemies
of zombies. I quote: ‘It’s every zombie’s duty to wipe them out, one by one.’
Yet, for some reason,
neither Chloe nor Dane think to inform the Elders or the Sentinels that there are
two Zerkers in their town and that these two Zerkers have already killed three
people. What’s the point of this zombie government and police force if you
can’t go to them for help? This becomes especially stupid when, at the end of
the book, the main characters have to go into hiding because the Sentinels will
come after them because of the Barracuda massacre. Oh, so, now the Sentinels show up? Sure.
3. Maddy’s
relationship with Hazel
Hazel is Maddy’s best
friend. Except, Maddy kind of hates Hazel. She thinks that Hazel is overdramatic,
self-absorbed and appears to be trying to avoid contact with Hazel as much as
possible. I was preparing for another wonderful (#sarcasm) portrayal of a girl
hating her friend for no good reason when Rusty Fischer surprised me…by making
Hazel a bitch. Not only does Hazel not like it when good things happen to
Maddy, Hazel also sneakily tries to go out with a boy she knows Maddy likes.
And, as if that wasn’t enough, Hazel manages to make Maddy turning into a
zombie all about herself. Hazel is easily the least sympathetic character in
this book. And that’s saying something.
Maddy and Hazel’s
‘friendship’ is incredibly toxic. That means that there is no emotional impact
when Hazel later turns into a Zerker. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Potential for actual
drama squandered. Sigh.
4. The
mechanics of becoming a zombie
People who die due to
coming into contact with electricity are Reanimated in the First Degree and become
zombies. People who are bitten by a zombie are Reanimated in the Second Degree
and become Zerkers. That’s clear, right? Stamp (he of the ridiculous name
a.k.a. love interest number one) is bitten, but he is also electrocuted. So, it
should be a toss-up whether he becomes a zombie or a Zerker.
Internal logic be damned!
Maddy must now bite
him, if she wants him to become a zombie. Huh? Yeah, I don’t get it either.
Please correct me if I’m wrong. Please tell me if this somehow makes sense.
5. The
dumbest love triangle ever
First of all, before
Stamp died, Maddy and Stamp were not a couple. Nope. Oh, they flirted, he asked
her to a party, he asked her to the dance. It was cute and all. (Well, except for
the time when he asked her to the dance and she said she was already going with
someone else and he acted like an entitled dick about it). Maddy and Stamp did
not date. They did not kiss. They did not even hold hands. Seriously, they got
no further than the mutual liking phase. Yet, Maddy feels like he expects them
to be together now that they’re both zombies. Like, she’s some sort of
consolation prize. ‘Sorry that I kind of, but not really, got you killed and you can never see your family again, but, hey!, you get to date me now. That’s gotta even things out.’
That brings me to my second point: you’re not that great, Maddy. (Yes, I realise that I’m addressing a fictional character). Stamp will get over you. There are other zombie chicks out there. Stamp could date one of them. Or not. Either way, he will be fine.
Thirdly, she’s not doing him a favour by being with him when she doesn’t love him. I would be sad and mad (but way more mad) if I found out that the person I am with is only staying with me out of some misguided sense of obligation. So, Maddy’s martyr act is just unnecessary and annoying.
Smallest violin just for you, Maddy.
Stop trying to shoehorn
a love triangle into your book, Rusty Fischer. It doesn’t work.
The things I like about Zombies Don’t Cry by Rusty
Fischer.
It’s fun. It’s snarky.
The early interactions between Maddy and Stamp are surprisingly sweet. It’s a
quick read. Just… don’t think about things too much or you’ll ruin it.
